To Be Remembered.

Toasting glasses and dancing.
Card games and singing along.
A cold night in December.
A night of laughter and drinks.
A night to be remembered –
A night with tragedy lingering in the air.

Don’t blame them; they never forced it on me.
She didn’t bring that bottle with the white cap,
I supplied it myself.
She didn’t provide the dollar bill,
It was me- just me. It always has been.

Each shot, each drink – I was inching closer.
Each slurred word – I kept thinking my father was near.
You only wanted me to slow down.
Each hug, each kiss we shared, I was on my way-
While you sat there and figured I was just going to say.
Silly boys.

No one felt the tragedy-
It was a night of enjoyment, a night of celebration.
A night of love, a night to keep each other warm.
No one felt the tragedy-
Until my legs gave out-
My body gave up on me.

Picture after picture.
I just wanted to kiss you before it was too late.
Flash.
I wanted you to hold me; I was too weak to hold myself up.
Flash.
I wanted to see that pretty smile on your face- everything happens for a reason.
Flash.
I’m sorry I hid it from you.
Flash.
Picture after picture.

A night of celebration turned into crying and shaking.
You promised you wouldn’t leave my side-
When my body finally found the strength to wake once more,
You were still there, still holding me.
Flash.

No one knew it would be like this-
Be sensitive, I live in my own mind,
A separate world from your own.
You called it playing deadly games.
But no, you were just unaware.

Doctor, doctor.

Doctor, doctor – do whatever it takes to get me out of here.
I just need to be outside, even if it’s in another form of this confinement.
I’m calling for now, calling for you time after time,
It’s all I have anymore.

All I hear is the echoing of these perpetual halls,
All I see is the flickering of these dull lights,
Making this room a sickening white.

Yes, I realized I’ve done wrong,
Yes, I realize I need some kind of help,
But do I really need this place? Need this attention?
Give me medication. Give me therapy.
Give me anything to get me out of here.

Please just give me a piece of paper, a pencil.
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Two calls a day to two answering machines.
Two calls a day to more tears.
Two calls a day to more anxiety.
Two calls a day to more medicine.
Two calls a day to only prove to you why.

But doctor, doctor, can’t we work this out?
Can’t we just get past these scars I wear?
Their only there to remind me of my existence.
Can’t we just get past this detoxification?
I’ll only start up again.
But don’t worry, it won’t be your fault…you tried.
But doctor, I’m sorry, they just call to me.

Doctor, doctor, just give me a time,
A time until I’m released.
It’s getting tiring having to paint on a different face everyday for you.
It’s getting hard to keep this smile from smearing.

Please just give me a piece of paper, a pencil.
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Doctor, doctor, you live by names.
Give me a name.
What am I to you?
What am I according to what you’ve observed?
Disordered?

Doctor, doctor, I can’t sleep. I’m calling for you again.
The sirens are too much. They’ve come everyday.
The screams pierce my ears. They all want out just like me.
Put me into another coma for the night.
A coma where I can’t be haunted by dreams.

Please just give me a piece of paper, a pencil.
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Don’t tell me to cover these lines up,
The lines I wear on my arms, my wrist.
Can’t we just get past these scars I wear?
Their only there to remind me of my existence.

Doctor, doctor, days are passing, and I’m still here.
These walls are a maze,

I'm getting lost in the emptiness they are filled with.
It’s enough to make anyone go mad.
Please, just tell me you’ve reached a verdict.

Doctor, doctor, can’t anyone just give me a piece of paper, a pencil?
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.