Mysteries of my monster.

Happy birthday to me – happy birthday to me.
My present? A monster.

I wore my present on my skin.
I showed my present to my liver.
Trying to release it, I cried my present until I drowned.
It didn’t work. Nothing has worked.
I would have much rather drowned that night.

I don’t even know your last name. You never knew mine.
You were sweet to me; you told me I was pretty.
You wished my a happy birthday, you put your arm around me.
You offered to walk me to my room. Your offer put me into my grave.
I’ll never get her back, the young stranger I once was.
She left with you – she’s just a distant memory.

I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t feel.
It’s still hard to believe it’s true.
Those last words fill my head; I feel them running through my veins.
They are battery acid.

I didn’t kick nor did I scream.
I lacked the strength I used to be proud of.
I just shut my eyes, counted the minutes until it was all done.
I refused to open them until I heard that door slam -
Until I heard the surrounding sounds, telling me I was safe.

I blame myself. I should have never trusted a soul.
I should have never trusted such a monster.
But happy birthday to me – happy birthday to me.

I used to ask why. I used to wonder why he chose me.
I promised to never trust again – it’s easy to hold true.
I’m became just another mark in his little black book.

Chicago holds truths no one will ever know.

The lives we've lead.

Daddy, put down that bottle. Talk to me, listen to me. Be that man I once had - the one who I could always count on to make me smile.

Daddy, give me those keys. You're not safe enough to drive. Be that man that used to walk with me for miles.

Daddy, be careful what you say to me. Your words can cut like knives. Be that man on the sailboat, sailing into the safety of the golden horizon.

Mommy, wipe your tears from your pretty face. It's getting hard to be so strong. Fill my ears with your infectious laughter.

Mommy, don't be so hard on yourself, it's killing you. You're disappearing as the days pass - be that woman who asks for a countdown before you jump into the safety of the water.

Mommy, put those down. You don't need so many. Stop hiding behind artificial happiness. Be that woman I once knew.

Mommy, please forgive me for being a hypocrite. 

Brother, you're so lucky. You've become a ghost to my life, appearing only when called. Who knew a ghost could be a girls best friend?

Brother, you are not my father. Look past this mirage you see of me - I'm sorry that I am not who you want me to be. 

The boy who broke my heart - remain oblivious. Remain everything I want, continue the hurt. The who loves me and the one whom I love are not the same person... I'm sorry.

Family first always. Keep living your fake lives. Drunk lives. Amazing lives. Sheltered lives. And I'll continue living the life unknown.

Self, draw those images to stop the shaking, don't stop. Pop that happiness, that safety - keep counting, it's just another day.

Daddy, put down that bottle now.

Anxiety in a School Room. - Week 3

I couldn't find a way out, couldn't hide from it all except for my only losy escape.
He wasn't an escape at all,
Only brought me down to watch me hit the bottom - only to watch me fall.
As the days passed and the tears fell, I realized he was wrong.
As I started to take my own steps out of the hell that he had created,
Take a step back to look at the worthless mess I had become, I knew I was mistaken.
I wanted to walk, I wanted friends, I wanted to explore, I wanted to learn, I wanted to be apart of it all - I couldn't be with him handcuffed to my wrists.
I researched in a doctors white walled office how to be unlocked, where to find the key.
It was a little white circle, not big enough for me to choke on.
As I took one, the world changed. I changed.
I shook and was blind for so long as to how to stop the shaking.
In the classrooms, I found others with problems and asked them what they do - I just wanted this unwanted feeling to disappear, as I made him do.

I left him. I promised myself to never return.
I took the next step and joined in the classrooms, joined in on the life I had missed for that year.
Work overwhelms me but never will I regret leaving - regret taking the chance to live my life.
Memories were created, memories were burned. Everyday holds a new story to tell.
But every morning, those white circles wait. They wait to take away the pain, take away the fear.
They help me breathe - stops me from having an attack.
But they don't stop the shaking.

Black Star Sapphire - Week 4

It has a scientific name, but I never cared for it.
It's supposed to be shown in the sunlight just right, but I'd rather have night.
I've seen the exact thing on other women in my family,
But could never see it on me.
I didn't think I deserved it.
I was always scared my mother would give it to someone better than me.
But he insisted, so she did as well. She made sure his wish was granted, his present given.
At first it was a boulder weighing my down, it was an unfamiliar change in my appearance.
It fit just right, but god forbid if I ever took it off...
But it's always stayed put, it's become apart of me.
It's love in one of the most beautiful materialistic forms.
It changed me, made that little girl grow, become a woman.
It's an attention grabber, a conversation starter.
Bringing out the lust in all who see -
This ring shines like the morning sunshine,
With the beauty and mystery of the night sky.

Pixelated Happiness. - Week 2

Nothing about it is fake -

The sky is a beautiful blue, the green leaves have the perfect contrast.

He's intent - he's happy.

The sheen of his golden coat - his bleach white mane tangled in with my red curls.

I could live in that picture forever.

It wasn't posed, just taken at the right moment - my happiness overwhelms the picture.

In that moment and the moments that followed, the years the followed,

This is where my heart lived, where it still does.

My sadness most kills me, this is where I miss something the most,

This is where I can finally cry - but I'm not healing, I'm never letting go.

It's as if it isn't a picture at all - more of a dream,

Something I can actually watch, somewhere I can live.

But how can it be a dream if I can vividly remember?

I can smell the leather of the saddle, smell our hair as the wind picked it up and let it fall,

Surrounding us a scent too perfect to describe.

How can I remember the feel?

Remember the softness of his coat, feel the reins in between my small fingers.

Remember how safe I felt leaning over hugging his strong neck with no intent on letting go.

How can I remember the exact time, the exact words that I spoke?

I remember everything about you so well.

The picture is burned into my memory - you're burned into my heart.

I promised then and still hold true, I'll never forget you.

I'll never replace you - you changed my life,

Made my childhood something I never want to forget.

I'm sorry baby - I tried so hard, tried everything I could possibly do to save you;

It was too late, so now the weight of regret crushes me.

You were and still remain to be everything to me, and this photograph is proof...

If only I could have a picture of my last moments with you -

That last night, with the cold air stinging my lungs,

The snowflakes falling like rain, onto my cheeks, melting, only to look like another tear on my broken face.

I wonder if there was something I could've done - I just wanted to relive that picture that was captured

So many years before. I anted to capture a new one... one last time.

You passed on so quickly within a few hours after our last moment together;

I've heard you died of happiness, I've heard you died of a broken heart...

You're marked into my skin forever.

Apart of my thoughts everyday, and although you can't hear me - please know,

I miss you - I'll be seeing you.