Had

Let me tell you something:

In this littered world -

If you are beautiful, you will be used.

You will be found,

You will be wanted,

You will be had,

You will be forgotten.

No one looks twice at trash as it decomposes into dirt.

There wasn't a breeze, I was shaking from fear of the truth.

I'm sorry if I woke you.

Every way I turn, I catch your scent.

I'm consumed by the eerie touch you left on my hotel sheets.

You'll Be Just Fine

Concentrate -

Stay still, keep silent.

Hold your breath -

And slowly release.

Concentrate -

You'll be just fine.

Don't let yourself be defeated,

Don't let yourself be consumed.

You're better than this.

Don't shake,

Don't dare let him see you tremble -

You are no weak.

Take cover -

He's a threat, an enemy.

This has become a battle,

A war.

This fire is approaching.

You can feel it now,

It's slowly rising -

From your toes to your knees,

It's quickly approaching with poor warning.

It hits your heart - grabs and tears.

Your throat begins to swell,

There is no air left.

You're defenseless now -

You're showing off your vulnerability as your chin begins to dimple.

It hits your freckled nose,

Triggering it to flare.

It creeps slowly to prolong the agony -

How sweet.

Next comes the burning -

The blurred vision.

Gone for Days

Tonight, I run.

Save your call, there is no need for a search party -

This wasn't abandonment, this was escape.

The freckled sky will light my way -

I suspect I'll be gone for days.

Tonight, I fall.

More of a victory than a loss -

My body tingles, telling me thank you -

I may be blind, but I can feel the way.

I figure I'll be gone for days.

Tonight, I fly.

I soar higher, steadily pass the light.

No, this is not impossible -

Tonight I have made the impossible possible.

I will be gone for days.

Tonight, I am gone.

I've made my final escape,

Without a conscious look back.

My body quickly adapts to the leave,

It has all kicked in.

Tonight, I am gone.

Curls

Pigtail curls - red and blonde,

Sliding all over the kitchen floor with our socks too big for out little feet.

Mama wasn't home.

He was always a clever one-

Imagination was seen with every blink.

He often tested the water - this time would be no different:

He would be a barber today -

"Short or long?" was his only inquiry.

Although young, I trusted him.

As the sheers began to cut,

Red hair began to fall like snow.

Curl after curl, it all fell silently

Until he was finished with his creation.

Back to the kitchen we went,

To slip and slide with our socks too big.

When Mama finally came home -

She cried.

To Be Remembered.

Toasting glasses and dancing.
Card games and singing along.
A cold night in December.
A night of laughter and drinks.
A night to be remembered –
A night with tragedy lingering in the air.

Don’t blame them; they never forced it on me.
She didn’t bring that bottle with the white cap,
I supplied it myself.
She didn’t provide the dollar bill,
It was me- just me. It always has been.

Each shot, each drink – I was inching closer.
Each slurred word – I kept thinking my father was near.
You only wanted me to slow down.
Each hug, each kiss we shared, I was on my way-
While you sat there and figured I was just going to say.
Silly boys.

No one felt the tragedy-
It was a night of enjoyment, a night of celebration.
A night of love, a night to keep each other warm.
No one felt the tragedy-
Until my legs gave out-
My body gave up on me.

Picture after picture.
I just wanted to kiss you before it was too late.
Flash.
I wanted you to hold me; I was too weak to hold myself up.
Flash.
I wanted to see that pretty smile on your face- everything happens for a reason.
Flash.
I’m sorry I hid it from you.
Flash.
Picture after picture.

A night of celebration turned into crying and shaking.
You promised you wouldn’t leave my side-
When my body finally found the strength to wake once more,
You were still there, still holding me.
Flash.

No one knew it would be like this-
Be sensitive, I live in my own mind,
A separate world from your own.
You called it playing deadly games.
But no, you were just unaware.

Doctor, doctor.

Doctor, doctor – do whatever it takes to get me out of here.
I just need to be outside, even if it’s in another form of this confinement.
I’m calling for now, calling for you time after time,
It’s all I have anymore.

All I hear is the echoing of these perpetual halls,
All I see is the flickering of these dull lights,
Making this room a sickening white.

Yes, I realized I’ve done wrong,
Yes, I realize I need some kind of help,
But do I really need this place? Need this attention?
Give me medication. Give me therapy.
Give me anything to get me out of here.

Please just give me a piece of paper, a pencil.
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Two calls a day to two answering machines.
Two calls a day to more tears.
Two calls a day to more anxiety.
Two calls a day to more medicine.
Two calls a day to only prove to you why.

But doctor, doctor, can’t we work this out?
Can’t we just get past these scars I wear?
Their only there to remind me of my existence.
Can’t we just get past this detoxification?
I’ll only start up again.
But don’t worry, it won’t be your fault…you tried.
But doctor, I’m sorry, they just call to me.

Doctor, doctor, just give me a time,
A time until I’m released.
It’s getting tiring having to paint on a different face everyday for you.
It’s getting hard to keep this smile from smearing.

Please just give me a piece of paper, a pencil.
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Doctor, doctor, you live by names.
Give me a name.
What am I to you?
What am I according to what you’ve observed?
Disordered?

Doctor, doctor, I can’t sleep. I’m calling for you again.
The sirens are too much. They’ve come everyday.
The screams pierce my ears. They all want out just like me.
Put me into another coma for the night.
A coma where I can’t be haunted by dreams.

Please just give me a piece of paper, a pencil.
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Don’t tell me to cover these lines up,
The lines I wear on my arms, my wrist.
Can’t we just get past these scars I wear?
Their only there to remind me of my existence.

Doctor, doctor, days are passing, and I’m still here.
These walls are a maze,

I'm getting lost in the emptiness they are filled with.
It’s enough to make anyone go mad.
Please, just tell me you’ve reached a verdict.

Doctor, doctor, can’t anyone just give me a piece of paper, a pencil?
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.