To Be Remembered.

Toasting glasses and dancing.
Card games and singing along.
A cold night in December.
A night of laughter and drinks.
A night to be remembered –
A night with tragedy lingering in the air.

Don’t blame them; they never forced it on me.
She didn’t bring that bottle with the white cap,
I supplied it myself.
She didn’t provide the dollar bill,
It was me- just me. It always has been.

Each shot, each drink – I was inching closer.
Each slurred word – I kept thinking my father was near.
You only wanted me to slow down.
Each hug, each kiss we shared, I was on my way-
While you sat there and figured I was just going to say.
Silly boys.

No one felt the tragedy-
It was a night of enjoyment, a night of celebration.
A night of love, a night to keep each other warm.
No one felt the tragedy-
Until my legs gave out-
My body gave up on me.

Picture after picture.
I just wanted to kiss you before it was too late.
Flash.
I wanted you to hold me; I was too weak to hold myself up.
Flash.
I wanted to see that pretty smile on your face- everything happens for a reason.
Flash.
I’m sorry I hid it from you.
Flash.
Picture after picture.

A night of celebration turned into crying and shaking.
You promised you wouldn’t leave my side-
When my body finally found the strength to wake once more,
You were still there, still holding me.
Flash.

No one knew it would be like this-
Be sensitive, I live in my own mind,
A separate world from your own.
You called it playing deadly games.
But no, you were just unaware.

Doctor, doctor.

Doctor, doctor – do whatever it takes to get me out of here.
I just need to be outside, even if it’s in another form of this confinement.
I’m calling for now, calling for you time after time,
It’s all I have anymore.

All I hear is the echoing of these perpetual halls,
All I see is the flickering of these dull lights,
Making this room a sickening white.

Yes, I realized I’ve done wrong,
Yes, I realize I need some kind of help,
But do I really need this place? Need this attention?
Give me medication. Give me therapy.
Give me anything to get me out of here.

Please just give me a piece of paper, a pencil.
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Two calls a day to two answering machines.
Two calls a day to more tears.
Two calls a day to more anxiety.
Two calls a day to more medicine.
Two calls a day to only prove to you why.

But doctor, doctor, can’t we work this out?
Can’t we just get past these scars I wear?
Their only there to remind me of my existence.
Can’t we just get past this detoxification?
I’ll only start up again.
But don’t worry, it won’t be your fault…you tried.
But doctor, I’m sorry, they just call to me.

Doctor, doctor, just give me a time,
A time until I’m released.
It’s getting tiring having to paint on a different face everyday for you.
It’s getting hard to keep this smile from smearing.

Please just give me a piece of paper, a pencil.
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Doctor, doctor, you live by names.
Give me a name.
What am I to you?
What am I according to what you’ve observed?
Disordered?

Doctor, doctor, I can’t sleep. I’m calling for you again.
The sirens are too much. They’ve come everyday.
The screams pierce my ears. They all want out just like me.
Put me into another coma for the night.
A coma where I can’t be haunted by dreams.

Please just give me a piece of paper, a pencil.
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Don’t tell me to cover these lines up,
The lines I wear on my arms, my wrist.
Can’t we just get past these scars I wear?
Their only there to remind me of my existence.

Doctor, doctor, days are passing, and I’m still here.
These walls are a maze,

I'm getting lost in the emptiness they are filled with.
It’s enough to make anyone go mad.
Please, just tell me you’ve reached a verdict.

Doctor, doctor, can’t anyone just give me a piece of paper, a pencil?
I know we aren’t supposed to have them for we could cause harm,
But I promise you it will stop my shaking.
It will stop the shaking.
It will.

Mysteries of my monster.

Happy birthday to me – happy birthday to me.
My present? A monster.

I wore my present on my skin.
I showed my present to my liver.
Trying to release it, I cried my present until I drowned.
It didn’t work. Nothing has worked.
I would have much rather drowned that night.

I don’t even know your last name. You never knew mine.
You were sweet to me; you told me I was pretty.
You wished my a happy birthday, you put your arm around me.
You offered to walk me to my room. Your offer put me into my grave.
I’ll never get her back, the young stranger I once was.
She left with you – she’s just a distant memory.

I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t feel.
It’s still hard to believe it’s true.
Those last words fill my head; I feel them running through my veins.
They are battery acid.

I didn’t kick nor did I scream.
I lacked the strength I used to be proud of.
I just shut my eyes, counted the minutes until it was all done.
I refused to open them until I heard that door slam -
Until I heard the surrounding sounds, telling me I was safe.

I blame myself. I should have never trusted a soul.
I should have never trusted such a monster.
But happy birthday to me – happy birthday to me.

I used to ask why. I used to wonder why he chose me.
I promised to never trust again – it’s easy to hold true.
I’m became just another mark in his little black book.

Chicago holds truths no one will ever know.

The lives we've lead.

Daddy, put down that bottle. Talk to me, listen to me. Be that man I once had - the one who I could always count on to make me smile.

Daddy, give me those keys. You're not safe enough to drive. Be that man that used to walk with me for miles.

Daddy, be careful what you say to me. Your words can cut like knives. Be that man on the sailboat, sailing into the safety of the golden horizon.

Mommy, wipe your tears from your pretty face. It's getting hard to be so strong. Fill my ears with your infectious laughter.

Mommy, don't be so hard on yourself, it's killing you. You're disappearing as the days pass - be that woman who asks for a countdown before you jump into the safety of the water.

Mommy, put those down. You don't need so many. Stop hiding behind artificial happiness. Be that woman I once knew.

Mommy, please forgive me for being a hypocrite. 

Brother, you're so lucky. You've become a ghost to my life, appearing only when called. Who knew a ghost could be a girls best friend?

Brother, you are not my father. Look past this mirage you see of me - I'm sorry that I am not who you want me to be. 

The boy who broke my heart - remain oblivious. Remain everything I want, continue the hurt. The who loves me and the one whom I love are not the same person... I'm sorry.

Family first always. Keep living your fake lives. Drunk lives. Amazing lives. Sheltered lives. And I'll continue living the life unknown.

Self, draw those images to stop the shaking, don't stop. Pop that happiness, that safety - keep counting, it's just another day.

Daddy, put down that bottle now.

Anxiety in a School Room. - Week 3

I couldn't find a way out, couldn't hide from it all except for my only losy escape.
He wasn't an escape at all,
Only brought me down to watch me hit the bottom - only to watch me fall.
As the days passed and the tears fell, I realized he was wrong.
As I started to take my own steps out of the hell that he had created,
Take a step back to look at the worthless mess I had become, I knew I was mistaken.
I wanted to walk, I wanted friends, I wanted to explore, I wanted to learn, I wanted to be apart of it all - I couldn't be with him handcuffed to my wrists.
I researched in a doctors white walled office how to be unlocked, where to find the key.
It was a little white circle, not big enough for me to choke on.
As I took one, the world changed. I changed.
I shook and was blind for so long as to how to stop the shaking.
In the classrooms, I found others with problems and asked them what they do - I just wanted this unwanted feeling to disappear, as I made him do.

I left him. I promised myself to never return.
I took the next step and joined in the classrooms, joined in on the life I had missed for that year.
Work overwhelms me but never will I regret leaving - regret taking the chance to live my life.
Memories were created, memories were burned. Everyday holds a new story to tell.
But every morning, those white circles wait. They wait to take away the pain, take away the fear.
They help me breathe - stops me from having an attack.
But they don't stop the shaking.

Black Star Sapphire - Week 4

It has a scientific name, but I never cared for it.
It's supposed to be shown in the sunlight just right, but I'd rather have night.
I've seen the exact thing on other women in my family,
But could never see it on me.
I didn't think I deserved it.
I was always scared my mother would give it to someone better than me.
But he insisted, so she did as well. She made sure his wish was granted, his present given.
At first it was a boulder weighing my down, it was an unfamiliar change in my appearance.
It fit just right, but god forbid if I ever took it off...
But it's always stayed put, it's become apart of me.
It's love in one of the most beautiful materialistic forms.
It changed me, made that little girl grow, become a woman.
It's an attention grabber, a conversation starter.
Bringing out the lust in all who see -
This ring shines like the morning sunshine,
With the beauty and mystery of the night sky.